As the year draws to a close, I cannot help but feel a mixture of regret and sadness sometimes. I don’t feel I made good use of my time. I know that may be an exaggeration–pretty sure I’ve had achievements in the past months, but I can’t identify one that I can consider as the highlight of my year. I can’t remember an event that I can truly be proud of and say, “Hey, I did this!” or “I’ve overcome this.” All the issues that I’d been struggling with earlier this year are still here, which is odd since I’ve always had crisis periods but they would go away after a few weeks or months. Is it because I’m getting old?
I don’t think so. I don’t mind getting old at all. I honestly can’t wait to be married to Chad, my fiance, and make memories with him. What I don’t like is wasting time, and I admit that I’m very guilty of this. I question myself too much, which causes me to doubt my capabilities. What annoys me more is that I’m aware I’m doing this to myself but I’m not doing anything to reverse the situation. I used to be a very driven young lady; I knew what I wanted and did everything to get it. But 2015 came and BAM! I became a completely different person.
I suddenly didn’t know what I truly wanted to be and lost sight of my purpose. During one of our Skype calls, I asked Chad what if I’m not meant to be anything. What if this idea that each of us is a unique snowflake with a power to change the course of our destiny is a myth? I’ve met so many people who tried so hard to change theirs, to no avail. What if some people are predestined to fail or to float to nowhere? Here in our country, skill and perseverance can only do so much. If you do not have the right connections and the right background (and enough money), people will not take you seriously.
I used to be annoyingly optimistic, but this year has proved to be quite a challenge. I woke up one day and saw people excelling in their field, then I realized… I’m not good at anything. I wanted to be like them, and be able to say to myself “I’m good at this” with conviction. When I get thoughts like that, Chad would remind me how much I’ve grown as a person, and that in itself is a huge achievement. Then he’d say I may not know right now what I want to be exactly but at least I can do a lot of things. He told me I’m so preoccupied with finding that one true purpose, that I’m failing to consider other possibilities. What if I’m meant to be like this? A blank canvas–adaptable and willing to absorb anything that comes.
Perhaps he’s right. Maybe some people just don’t belong in one category and that’s not a bad thing. But I’m impatient and I want to learn more about myself now, so I’m taking my chances. I’ve wasted so much time being afraid. I took the first step a few weeks ago and I’m hoping the risk is worth it. I’m scared of failure but I won’t learn if I don’t try, I guess.
So after publishing a series of marketing stuff, which I know you’re so sick of (haha!), I’ve decided to post a new OOTD. I’m sorry the photos are grainy but my sister and I shot this at around 5:30pm so it was pretty dark already. Had to tweak the pictures to brighten them. It’s been a while since I shared an outfit, I don’t know how to pose for a picture anymore.
Jumpsuit from ZALORA | Flats from HUE Manila | Wooden Watch from JORD
Now that I have more time in my hands, I hope I would be able to share more fashion-related posts. I used to love fashion a lot; I don’t know what changed. Too much news maybe? Haha! Beginning next week, you’ll be seeing more of me and hopefully by 2016 I’ve already gotten myself together. It’s going to be a wonderful and exciting year for sure. Yes, I’m claiming it. 🙂